'E' is 15 years old now. Where the hell were blogs when he was little? I had so much to say, and even more importantly, so much to ask. E was almost three years old when we heard the diagnosis....Autism. It hits you like a ton of bricks. We were never in denial that something was wrong. We knew there had to be something that was causing the crying, the fits of inconsolable rage, the apparent unhappiness of any situation we seemed to be in, even when it was an activity or place that we thought the kids would love....well, one of them anyway.
But hearing that your son is “Autistic” isn’t something that anyone can even try to understand unless you’ve been there to feel it for yourself. I will never forget the day....the room....the people in the room. Although I don’t remember their faces, I remember that moment. We think your son has Autism. Tears came. Tears of fear of the literal unknown. Brad and I left the appointment with our son....and a stack of papers....some to fill-out and lots to read. We knew nothing about this Autism-thing other than the movie Rainman like so many other parents of ASD kids. I don’t remember what we spoke about on our way home, but I remember thinking, what will happen to our precious son? And crying....me, not E. Not that I can remember anyway. Will he ever speak? Will he ever love us? Will he live a life of loneliness? There was so little information available back then compared to now. However, I don't think we're where we need to be regarding information and resources. I feel very strongly about that.
Before I finish writing tonight, I feel like I need to announce that we have two children. There was always that guilt thing hanging over my head like an anvil. In a way the anvil is still there....suspended above me ready to fall down onto me at any given time. It’s those random things you just think about, you know? How will we pay enough attention to our older son? What if he rebels for attention? How do we balance everything so that our older son doesn’t feel slighted. These are some of the thoughts that used to keep me up at night, especially when we were in the midst of numerous therapy visits each week, all the while dragging a NT child in and out of E's appointments. It’s like a balancing act and everyone and everything has to give a little to maintain the right balance so things don’t come crashing down.
Somehow or another it worked itself out. It’s still working out for us for the most part....we’re a work in progress. Trial and error. There’s no manual for this stuff. It is what it is and there’s no changing it or erasing it....there’s no going back. This is our normal. This is Our Autism Life....
But hearing that your son is “Autistic” isn’t something that anyone can even try to understand unless you’ve been there to feel it for yourself. I will never forget the day....the room....the people in the room. Although I don’t remember their faces, I remember that moment. We think your son has Autism. Tears came. Tears of fear of the literal unknown. Brad and I left the appointment with our son....and a stack of papers....some to fill-out and lots to read. We knew nothing about this Autism-thing other than the movie Rainman like so many other parents of ASD kids. I don’t remember what we spoke about on our way home, but I remember thinking, what will happen to our precious son? And crying....me, not E. Not that I can remember anyway. Will he ever speak? Will he ever love us? Will he live a life of loneliness? There was so little information available back then compared to now. However, I don't think we're where we need to be regarding information and resources. I feel very strongly about that.
Before I finish writing tonight, I feel like I need to announce that we have two children. There was always that guilt thing hanging over my head like an anvil. In a way the anvil is still there....suspended above me ready to fall down onto me at any given time. It’s those random things you just think about, you know? How will we pay enough attention to our older son? What if he rebels for attention? How do we balance everything so that our older son doesn’t feel slighted. These are some of the thoughts that used to keep me up at night, especially when we were in the midst of numerous therapy visits each week, all the while dragging a NT child in and out of E's appointments. It’s like a balancing act and everyone and everything has to give a little to maintain the right balance so things don’t come crashing down.
Somehow or another it worked itself out. It’s still working out for us for the most part....we’re a work in progress. Trial and error. There’s no manual for this stuff. It is what it is and there’s no changing it or erasing it....there’s no going back. This is our normal. This is Our Autism Life....
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